Log in

No account? Create an account

I hate nightmares...

I'm sure no one likes having a nightmare, really. Although there probably is some screwball out there who loves having nightmares and wakes up refreshed after having one, but that's not me. Especially considering my nightmares are freakish.

So this particular bad dream was a zombie one. For those of you who really know me, know that I love horror games, but for all my affection for the genre, zombies freak me out something terrible. As a matter of fact, those are usually the most frightening kind of nightmares and at the end (or the point when I wake up in a panic) usually happens when I die in the dream. This nightmare was no exception to that rule either.
The only interesting twist about this bad dream was I was the zombie this time; well, sorta, but let me explain.

I don't remember the beginning of the dream, just towards the end. It took place in a post-apocalyptic world. Most (if not all) people on the surface of the earth were zombies. We ate animals, animals that were seriously deformed, but they were animals, we didn't eat people. The earth was extremely polluted but being undead we could survive the pollution and pretty much we were happy.

However, we find out that the "real" humans lived underground in massive underground cities and were using the zombie people as food. It turns out that the surface people weren't undead zombies, but cattle for the underground humans and the "zombie people" were either genetically manipulated or some kind of way made to believe we were undead monsters so we would be accepting of our fate to be used as cattle. There was also something about our ability to argue or fight was removed so we would just passively accept being food. At the very end I was next to be eaten by the underground humans and true to form, I just accepted being eaten alive. Mercifully, I wasn't eaten alive but put in a machine and everything went dark before I was eaten and that was when I woke up.

What an appalling dream! An appalling dream that I want to try to break down.

I know zombie dreams occur when I'm at the height of anxious and stressed out. They usually are tied to some nonsense happening at work, but since I'm not working that automatically rules that out.
They can happen when my home life is sketchy too. Jose has been gone for almost a week (which included the weekend); he comes back tomorrow night. School ends Friday and that always brings a certain amount of stress because William will be spending his summer loafing around the house doing absolutely nothing but eating and that drives me crazy. I swear I wish he show just a drop of ambition. His proclivity towards indolence really pisses me off.

Another thing that probably set this nightmare in motion is I may be nervous about going to the opera institute next month. I don't know what to expect and it could be screwing with my head. Tgen to add to all of this, the music program I want to attend next year (the one in Austria) is intensive as hell. I read the calendar of events for that program and it is 6 weeks of singing daily, weekly recitals, performances almost every day, attending classes, and being not just evaluated, but scrutinized intensely... And all while being far away from home.

I would be lying to myself if I said all if that sounds fun. But I worry about it, I worry about it a lot (as evidenced by that horrible nightmare). I know I would probably be fine, but I have become a lot more anxious and fretful since moving to Florida. The old me would never be this wound up several months before I even made an initial inquiry about it! Besides, there is no guarantee they'll ever accept me into the program, I still have to audition. Then figure out where I'm going to get roughly $9000 dollars from... Oh God, talk about putting the cart before the horse. I need to slow my roll and get through this summer before ratcheting up my anxiety to 1000 about next summer.

But I think this is where this nightmare sprung from and my fears and anxieties coming home to roost. There was a lot to unpack in that dream and some of it too seemed like anxiety about forced conformity and maybe being too passive about easily accepting poor treatment, either with myself or others. I don't know. Either way you slice it that dream really sucked and I needed a good night's sleep, but thanks to that shitty nightmare that didn't happen.

Operatic Redo Remix

So here we are at age 40 and I have finally made a major life choice and that is i want to start seriously pursue a career in opera.

So a few things happened. I realized that I can still make a go of it, even at my age. Mr. Leopold, my music teacher, says there may be some roadblocks because of my age, but more or less it's not a dream that's dead in the water. Plus he tells me all the time that i have a very good voice and if most of the competitions didn't have age restrictions, he would make me compete in them. He also said because I don't look or sound my age, that may be sn advantage, but I won't rely on that too much.

With all this being said, in a little under a month from now, I will be participating in the Summer Opera Institute in Orlando. I'm hoping to get a better handle on my pretty debilitating stage fright and learn how to audition better; two things I'm severely lacking right now.

My goal is to make some good contacts, audition and get in with one of the local opera companies, and finally, get into one of the major European summer opera programs next summer. I'm sure that would be quite the resume booster.

There are three programs I'm interested in; this one, which Mr. Leopold says has an excellent reputation and the people who have performed in this summer program have gone on to do amazing things. Then there is this one, which is also in Italy, but I don't know much about it. And this one in Austria which they have classes which would be super beneficial for me. The last two don't have age limits, I'm not sure about the first program.

Either way, I'm pretty excited and confident that going to Orlando is the right stepping stone for a career as an opera singer.

This is appalling!

There is an Atlantic article from an ER doctor, explaining the "catastrophic damage" done by an AR-15 semi automatic rifle; this is something everyone needs to read and be aware of as we continue our discussion as to why these should be allowed in the hands of untrained civilians.

Prepare to be appalled.

A quick early morning PSA

Attacking children who just survived a mass shooting doesn't make you a conservative hero, it makes you a bully and a fucking asshole!

All these kids want to do is, oh I don't know, live in a country where they have a hope in hell of growing up to become adults and not be senslessly slaughtered by a maniac with a semi-automatically military grade weapon. And I don't know if you've noticed, but the growing up option was violently taken from 14 children.

Anyone who speaks out against these kids, fucking kids who just survived a terrible, horrifying, and deeply traumatic event, is showing how deeply afraid they are of them you truly are. By the way, many of them will be voting age soon and hopefully they will reward your cowardice by helping you to loose your next election bid.

Sorry for such an early morning rant, but I saw this article and it sent me railing over the edge!

P.S. To all of you who are speaking out against children while getting "donations"... Let's be real and call it bribe money (or if it helps to cushion the sting of calling a spade a spade, subornment funds) from anyone in the gun industry, you have ZERO right trying to take the "moral" high-ground. You lost that right when you whored yourself, your ethics, your constituents, and your soul out to those people.

Our Abnormal Normal

I wrote this a few days ago and I sat on the fence about posting it, because it is ultra critical of the current state of affairs regarding guns in the United States, however, I wanted to make it public because it's too honest not to share with the world at large, the only way change can happen is if all voices are heard.  However, because this entry is so blunt and brutal, I'm going to place it under an LJ cut and if you want to read it you can, if not you can bypass it, it's completely up to you.

Our abnormal normal...Collapse )

Oh get wit me!

So, yesterday there was a news expose on the high school that William attends (Wharton) and how there were something in the neighborhood of 30+ fights this year and being in the suburbs, parents where I live are up in arms about it.  Yeah, I have an entire school of thought on this and my views are probably more jaded than anyone here, because I went to the worst high school in Philadelphia.  So let me begin with the sordid tale of my 4 years at Martin Luther King High School.

So I went to MLK from 1992 to 1996.  My first year was pretty eye opening, because even the worst students in my middle school (all of which I shared my 6th grade class with) weren't as hardcore as the toughest students at King.  In fact, one of them was happy that she had gotten transferred to Boone (which was quite literally the step before going to juvie) and would be attending school there, because it was a better learning environment for her.  Well damn!  That's pretty telling...  However, my first year...  Ooh it was a hot mess and quite the gear shift.  There were pretty much fights daily, people smoking blunts in the stairwell, and daily metal detector searches (once they found a girl had razor blades tucked into her French roll, crafty)...  Pretty much that was the norm and after awhile you get use to it.  The next year, there were two riots between the Jamaicans and the other kids. 

Full disclosure, I missed the first riot because I hookied that day.  I think I spent the entire day with my boyfriend at the time, who was Alex...  I think that was how I spent that day?!  But the second riot, I was there for, but left before things got really bad.  I mean, the security guards were telling students around 10 AM or so, if you wanted to leave for the day, it was ok, so I took that option and got out of dodge before the crap really hit the fan.  And from what I was told it got really bad by lunch time.  There were multiple fights in multiple lunchrooms.  Something about someone was on the 2nd floor balcony with a shotgun (which I don't really believe in hindsight, but who knows).  But pretty much I think the police were called in and for about a week or two there was a heavy police presence at our school.

In 11th grade a teacher was raped in a classroom, I think either before or after school and yet again there was a heavy police presence at the school.  I kinda don't remember how long they were there.  Plus we also had a lot of media around school too, which was weird.

My 12th grade year, it was pretty quiet.  Yeah there were fights, but it seemed like they calmed down a lot.  Either that or I just stopped paying attention to them one of the two.  The most thing that was going on was in in-house fight with the teachers and school administrators, because they vehemently opposed the choice for Principal.  Something about he hid in his office and only wanted to job so he could get a higher position at the school board.  I agree, the Vice Principal (the one who tried to make me sing for the school talent show) was the one who was really involved with the school and it's staff and students.  But I'm sure there were fights, I probably didn't pay them any mind.  I mean 4 years of that nonsense, of course you'll phase it out after awhile.

So this brings me to nearly 22 years later and Wharton High School.  Well, hell, I know I should be concerned for my step kids safety, but I'm not.  Wharton is not near lawless wasteland my high school was and pretty much with all these Zero-tolerance policies schools have, I'm not in the least concerned about him and fights.  I'm not even concerned about how they affect him.  I probably should be, but I'm really not.  School is an anomaly, his home life isn't.  And honestly, I used my awful high school experience as motivation to not be there with those people any longer than I had to (Oh they used to tell us all the time, "Y'all on the 5 year plan." or "Y'all on the 6 year plan".  I swear, candidates for a Ted Talk, really...).  I also used that as a reason why I decided that I would NEVER have a child of mine in public school.

However, I suppose school should be a safe place for students, but I think that's kinda a pipe dream.  People tend to forget that being a teenager is super weird.  If you are having problems of any sort, you most likely don't know how to deal with it in any constructive manner, and you will lash out at any and everyone around or do stupid self-destructive crap, be it drugs, alcohol, or sex.  Kids have a lot of stuff going on.  Some have family issues, some have mental health issues, most have problems with social media feeding into and play on anxieties (something I'm grateful I didn't have to deal with when I was a kid), and then throw in general run of the mill peer pressure!  Plus add teenage rampant hormones into the mix, forget it, it's a powder keg waiting to both implode and explode. 

I've always said, you couldn't pay me to go back to high school and man, is that never more true than now.  

So we made it...

Well nearly. 2017 has been another awful year and tomorrow I have to look back at it in-depth which I'm super not looking forward to.

Sigh... I hate to say this, but for the first time, I think ever (and if not ever, then in a super long time), I'm not looking forward to the new year. I guess in my mind if I'm not optimistic about the new year, I won't be disappointed or appalled if/ or when it all goes sideways.


Saying good bye to the Krimson Post...

So I just finished what is probably going to be the last article for The Krimson Post.  I'm actually a little bit sad about that.  I poured a lot of my heart and soul into those articles.  Admittedly some stories were better than others, each one however, did take a certain amount of time to create and a lot of hard work went into every article.  Overall, I am proud of the work I did.  And I think it actually helped with my fanfiction a little bit.

As for The Evil Within 2, from what I can tell by watching some of the early access stuff up online, in the new game you'll still collect Krimson Post articles, but it won't be like how it was in the first game where you see basically the front page of the Krimson Post and all the subheadlines.  It's just going to be the blurbs from the main article and that's it.  Maybe I'm wrong, but I think that's the way it's going to go from now on.  Not much I can do about that, except just roll with the punches, I guess.  But that also means, that even if I wanted to, I can't write Krimson Post articles for The Evil Within 2.  Not unless I wanted to undertake finishing out those articles???


Two reasons.

Reason 1) I wasn't nearly as diligent with writing articles this year, as I was last year.  I think last year I churned out an article every Sunday and I think I only missed in total 5 or 6 weeks?  This year there were whole months missing, but this year has been really difficult a lot has happened, plus I got super hyped when I found out the new game was on it's way.

Reason 2) I plan on cranking out an assload of fanfiction!  Heck, I'm hard pressed not to write some stories now.  My Stefano story has gotten way more henious and I'm hoping I can use it, but I have to wait.  I may have a story for Father Theodore, but I'm not sure how invested in him I am yet.  Stefano scares me a lot and I think my little backstory for him will give him that extra super fucked up boost, but I'll have to wait and see.  Then there's all the tragic Sebastian stuff that I'll have to write up, so my brain is going to be on fanfiction overload by the end of next month.

So while I am pretty miffed that I won't be able to write any more Krimson Post articles, I haven't completely given up writing.  It will just be pure fanfiction instead of legitimate fake news.

Farewell Krimson Post.  I will miss you terribly, but it's time to move on.

Super Pissed!

35 hours! It's been 35 fucking hours since we last had power! I could understand if we live in a place that was really hit hard by the storm. A place where there were downed power lines everywhere, tons of old trees fell, and everwhere you looked was damage city. But no! The trees that fell are mostly saplings, although I did see one or two older trees down. Two, all of our power lines are underground and there was no lightening that hit a transformer. And lastly all the damage I saw was cosmetic stuff, like a handful of fences were down and not even one pool cage was damaged.

So what the fuck TECO?!?!

According to Jose, this happened because there is one power line, FUCKING ONE POWER LINE down at the substation we draw power from. That's what he saw when he went past there earlier today. And, conveniently, no one was around to fix it. Bravo TECO, fucking bravo!!!

Nearly two fucking days with no power because someone hasn't gotten their shit together to fix ONE POWER LINE?!?!?!?!? And now I'm hearing it can be anywhere from 3 to fucking 10 days before they can restore power.

If this happened in Philly when it is perpetually 100,000° degrees all the time I wouldn't care. But it's on fire here. The only good thing is the humidity isn't ultra high right now, but who knows how long that's going to last. There is no reason it should take 2+ days to fix ONE fucking power line!

Ever since this whole storm thing began, I have been asking Jose why we continue to live here, because I haven't been amused since I moved here and continue to be unamused.

Latest Month

May 2018


RSS Atom
Powered by LiveJournal.com
Designed by Ideacodes