Today, early in the morning I'll get the verdit on Toshi. I'm expecting the news to be not good. When that dude said something about the problem could be the motherboard, that sent me into panic mode, so I'm expecting Toshi to be dead. Which if he is... I don't know what I'm going to do, besides cry hysterically. And because of everything going on with my computer I didn't sleep well last night. I went to be around 10, but didn't fall asleep until close to 11, then woke up again around 2 couldn't sleep. Eventually I went back to sleep around 4 only to have to wake up an hour and a half later...
Ugh, it's a mess. I know I shouldn't be this spastic over a computer, but Toshi is like a child to me. I try (at least I thought I did) to take good care of him... But before I get all sad again, I'll wait for them to call me and tell me what's wrong. Hopefully it will be nothing, but I know with my current luck, it will be bad.
Oh something good happened, I found my Fortune bodysuit, so I don't have to buy another one. But for every good thing there's a bad thing lurking in its place. Another of the cats Mom takes care of was killed last night. Here we go again. And this time Mom was crying and with me being such a wreck I couldn't find the words to console her.
So then I go into the office, which upon reflection, I really, really shouldn't have come in today. I only really came in to check my e-mail, but I come in and I see this post-it not from Mary about how a nurse hasn't gotten the faxed client list in about two months and this sends me into a complete and utter tirade for about 10 minutes. Needless today in the attitude I'm in right now, I'm not willing to suffer idiots today.
Then, I see J'aime locked post about Kristin and how she has this livejournal and some bull post about how we were all mean to her and blah, blah, blah... I told J'aime really, stop looking at her stuff because she's really full of shit and doesn't deserve to be paid attention to.
http://aachannoichi.livejournal.com/24616.html, http://aachannoichi.livejournal.com/24903.html, http://aachannoichi.livejournal.com/25229.html, and http://aachannoichi.livejournal.com/25640.html
Edit via seven years later- But in order to be able to post this publicly again, I'm going to post the email message that she sent to all of us:
I shall clarify something here and now.....and then I
will mail the items that belong to you.
I emailed Maureen after her and Adrienne attempted to
call me, at that point in time I was still extremely
hurt and upset with all of you over the events of
labor day weekend.
In the email I told Maureen not to bother calling me
anymore or emailing me UNTIL I was ready, I said I
needed time to sort through some things and I didn't
want to say anything at that time that I would regret
I WAS HURT AND PISSED AT ALL OF YOU!!! I wanted time
to calm down and sort through my thoughts and
feelings. IT WAS ME who felt like I was being treated
I wanted to spend time with my friends, and each of
you THAT night (after I had talked to you on the phone
that afternoon) decided that you would rather do
something elsethen spend time over my house. FINE,
but tell me in advance.....
I FUCKING COULD HAVE SPENT THE WHOLE DAY WITH MY
FAMILY, WHOM I BLEW OFF TO BE WITH MY FRIENDS THAT
WEEKEND!!!! Instead I spent it alone.
MY MOM AND DAD.....BOUGHT FOOD AND EVERYTHING FOR US.
And I get lame, yes LAME, excuses for why you all
decided to cancel.....
I FUCKIN CRIED FOR DAYS>>>>>>
I am still hurt and pissed about all this.......
That was the last straw for me.... everyone has excuses why they would rather spend time alone or with each other than with me. You have Adrienne, Maureen had Mike.....then there is me.
fuck all of you then if this is what I get for feeling hurt and betrayed by all of you!
8 years of friendship and the last year or so I have felt like shit, like I was a burden on all of
you........that I was not wanted, but you humored me because we are all friends.....
I KNOW WHEN I AM NOT WANTED AROUND!! and I felt it in every excuse I heard .....what I heard in my head was "We would rather do nothing than hang with you" every time any of you would cancel in me.
fine......you want my reasons for not talking to any of you for 6 weeks because I was fighting with myself over telling you any of this, or just swallowing it like I have been for OVER A FUCKIN YEAR!
I have more patient and generous than I should have been. It always seemed that I was the only one who gave a shit,.......who was willing to try and bend to all of you just to keep you all happy and nearby.
I would have fucking died for any of you, but I doubt I would have gotten the same in return.
THIS IS HOW I FELT, and feel even more now.
I was going to try and 'talk' this out, possibly help fix it......but no. I can walk away. I am NOT afraid to walk away from years of friendship. All I wanted was equal respect, the same I always offered any of you.
Adrienne said she doesn't trust me. She told me that on the phone after our little fight.
I am not giving anyone anything they are not willing to give in return. I make promises, and try to keep them.....
Only time I have ever bailed on any of you, was Adrienne, and that was because of my grandmother and the fact that I was sick.
Cold and cowardly, no not me, think what you want. I don't care anymore.
Cowards are the people who can't tell a friend that they don't want them around anymore, that they are a bother. I don't want to intrude on you or Adrienne's friendship anymore.
I choose silence towards all of you so that I could think about what I wanted to say, but also to return the courtesy that I have felt was extended to me over the last year or so.
I didn't even get a "Can we talk about this......what's bothering you?" type of email from you. I responded to youremail, because I expected more from you, not petty shit and name calling. You were so willing and eager to "burn bridges", then fix a friendship.
WHY DO I HAVE TO BE THE ONE TO APOLOGIZE, FEEL GUILTY OR CRAWL BACK TO ANY OF YOU?????
THIS WAS NOT MY FAULT, AND I AM NOT GOING TO BE MANIPULATED INTO FEELING LIKE THIS IS ALL MY FAULT.
I was willing to give a civil explanation and maybe talk about it.
I'm stronger now than I used to be. I will not be made to feel guilty or sorry for anything that I didn't do.
If you want more specifics, more examples of why Ihave come to this conclusion, I am more than willing to share.
But, also don't be surprised if I don't answer any of your email again.
If I am going to be screamed at, then I am not going to entertain any of you with a response
And this whole thing started (if you haven't guessed), because we all decided on our own not to go over her house like we always did, and decided to stay home. Well, I had a date with my boyfriend at the time Scott, but you get the general idea. However, all the screaming and cursing wasn't necessary and I really meant what I said in my last e-mail. You guys should know by now that it takes a lot for me to just outright abandon a friendship. I don't have a lot of friends like that and I treat my friends as though they are my family, because you guys really are like family to me.
However, you cross me, piss me off, or do something that skips the boundaries of my kindness, then yes, I will hurt for a time, but I will (as they said in Cask of the Amontiado, sorry for spelling that wrong Edgar Allen Poe fans) positively leave you and that's what happened with Kristin.
Woo-hoo: Sadly there's no silver lining today (unless I'm told Toshi can be fixed), so Nanimonai
Barf: I'm figuring today is pretty much going to be a wash.
Current Song: Shawn McPherson's Taste the Blood battle one song from Devil May Cry 3