January 16th, 2014


Ooooh boy....

I don't know if you all know this about me, but I love bad movies.  Showgirls, Gnaw Food of the Gods 2, The Room those are just a few of my favorite bad movies.  I said that to say this, bad video games are quite a bit different than bad movies.  Bad movies aren't interactive for a start.  When you watch a movie you aren't expected to press a button to initiate a the next scene or go to the lobby to get more popcorn as a sidequest.  Pretty much you just sit back and watch the mess unfold.

A bad video game however...  You are expected to participate, but playing a bad game can be like someone slowly pulling off your fingernails with a small pair of rusty pliers or using leather sewing needles for acupuncture.  I mean absolutely painful and no fun at all.  Nothing is worse than spending good money on a suckey game.  And I've played my fair share of crappy games (I'm sure we all have) and I've even watched games on Youtube that were really horrible, but nothing and I mean NOTHING beats Ride To Hell Retribution 1%.

I know I'm super late to this party but I could not believe how crappy this was.  I mean, I heard the rumors, but it wasn't until I watched it with my own two eyes that I'm like...  Oooh....  Damn, this is pretty crappy.

It's late and I won't get into how bad it is, but just check it out for yourself.  I only got through one part and I was ready to wrap it up.  It is a mess you have been warned.

Ride To Hell (And beyond) Retribution 1%

Cycle to Inferno Reprisal 1 and a half%

Yeah...  I'm slowly working my way through Ride To Hell Retribution 1% and it really is just as bad as people say.  I know I shouldn't have an opinion because I'm not actually playing it, but I don't think playing it is going to make my opinion of this go up any.  In fact, it's even more of a mess than I had anticipated.

Think of every gooney stereotype for life in the 1970's you can.  Stoners, one of whom looked Tommy Chong back in the day.  Big bearded biker dudes.  And bimbos as far as the eye can see.  And they're weren't kidding when they say the women once you save them will sleep with you either.  A lot of the time those random gratuitous sex scenes have nothing to do with the overall story.  Like the part where you go into this place to find some guy, but in your quest, you stop and save this chick from being sexually assaulted, so you kill her attacker, and afterwards she has sex with you...?!

You have sex with her in the same room where the body of the guy you just killed on her behalf is.  You don't know her name, you don't know anything about her.  You just know you saved her and she's ready to go, with a dead guy in the room no less.  All this happened while trying to find one of the guys who had a hand in your bother's death.  So it was more important to boink some chick then find your bother's killer?  Ok, interesting choice?

But the worst part of the sex scenes, all of them, are they had their clothes on the whole scene.  Jose thought it was to maintain a T rating, but it's an M rated game so what the deuce?!  Maybe there's a code for them to take off their clothes like the imaginary Laura Croft code, but even then, who cares.  The nicest thing I can say about those scenes is they don't last too long.  Just long enough for everyone involved to be disgusted and annoyed by them.

The music in the game is abysmal and does something weird when you shoot, it slows down/ stops briefly as you fire at/ hit someone and then goes back to normal.  Huh?  Why does it do this?  Is it supposed to be some kind of cool effect or something, because it comes off as odd rather than cool.  And speaking of background music, there are certain parts during the game that don't have any sound in them at all.  No music, no fake footsteps, just total silence.  That's really bizarre.

I don't know...?!  It's really bad, yet I continue to watch on in amazement of how terrible it really and truly is.  It's like watching The Room, you know it's going to get way worse before it gets better (and that isn't until the credits roll), but you keep watching and holding out hope for it, there is no hope for it, EVER!