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Ah foolish male...

One of my friends on Facebook posted a picture of some dude's blog and in it was some diatribe about how he was divorced and almost married some other chick, but she was cheating on him and all this other stuff that when the children came all the kinky sex stopped, and he wouldn't be "strong armed" into marrying again, and wah, wah, wah...

Ok buddy, let me break some things down for you that you may not want to hear but this is how the story goes and let's start with your first failed relationship:

You're first marriage probably ended because you wanted all kinds of kinky sex and after the children came your ex-wife's priorities shifted from pleasing your wang to rearing children.  Yeah, that does happen sometime because parenthood changes your prospective.  Because I don't have all the information about what when on in the marriage, I can only speculate that when he wasn't getting his way sexually, he started emotionally pulling away and instead of talking to his ex, he retreated into his own private world and didn't let her in.  The arguments started and things probably went to pot from there.  Again, this is mere speculation, but usually what breaks people up is not communicating with one another.

I wonder if he ever so much as even considered what his ex-wife had been going though?  As someone who didn't start out as a mother (meaning I didn't have the boys they came as a package deal) and then becoming an insta-mom, it's hard.  I have a pretty high libido (not that you wanted to know that), but dealing with kids, especially ones that come with their own set of (highly intense) challenges, shoots my crazy high libido into super under-drive and there are days when I'd really rather not do anything physically.  Although I do push myself to proceed, but some days it is a struggle, because children will wear you out!  And sometimes I worry that Jose and I will drift apart when I start my business and/ or have children of my own.  But if it's one thing we do is talk.  Well, since he's been traveling a lot for work, we don't talk that much.  He calls twice a day, but I like talking to him face-to-face.  But my point is this, maybe if an effort had been made to find out what was going on with his ex maybe he would have found some happiness instead of whining about it via blog.

Also the statement was made that his ex-wife changed.  I never buy this statement for one moment.  Yes I know this is in direct contradiction to my previous paragraphs, but shy of the hormonal changes that occur in everyone and the demands of parenthood, people NEVER change.  NEVER! People come the way they are and you either see it or you don't!  I have had this discussion with Jose about The Psycho, because he always says she changed and no she hadn't.  She was always a psychotic mess, but he didn't see it and probably because, one, he was on this arbitrary quest to have children by a certain age and he settled, and two, love is blind.  Actually love is not only blind, but it's also deaf, and not the most intelligent thing either.  However, I was told by two different people that he was asked to reconsider marrying psycho chick and he didn't listen.  See, people rarely change, especially when it comes to character flaws.  What we do is put blinders on, but when they don't live up to our expectation we become disillusioned and disappointed and proclaim, "they changed".  It's not that they've changed, you've just finally taken off your blinders and you now see what everyone else saw and the view isn't nice at all.

I have ZERO illusions about myself.  I am judgmental, have a smart-ass mouth, I can be very condescending, I can be extremely selfish at times, I can be lazy, distant, at times moody, secretive, snobbish, and quite a bit of a nag, especially when I am annoyed.  And before Jose and I began our crazy journey I told him I'm not the easiest person to live with sometimes, and he was willing to accept it and pretty much I've been true to form, but not everyone can be this honest about their faults, flaws, or vices.  It's tough to admit character flaws, but everyone has them and when you are in a relationship (Of any kind) those character flaws stick out like a beacon.  It's up to you to decide if you can accept those character flaws or not, but no one changes.  You come to a relationship the way you are and the other person either accepts that or moves on.

Then there is his ex-fiancee, the cheater.  Yeah, women are more likely to cheat than men.  I thought that was a pretty well established fact at this point, because they talk about on the news a lot (at least I've seen stories about it on the news before), but I guess most people don't know that.  When it comes to infidelity in a relationship I have nothing to add (probably because I've been on both ends of the spectrum).  But my speculation for this failed relationship is dude not paying attention to the warning signs.

Some warning signs are weird or suspicious behavior, being super secretive or protective.  Grant it, we all have a right to privacy, but if you're hoarding your cell phone or email like a leprechaun with a pot of gold, then something is going on.  If you have a feeling that someone is stepping out on a relationship, chances are you are correct and you find out what's going on and then proceed from there.  Chances are, there was something emotionally missing in the relationship and the person is compensating for in sex.  And while sex is a fun distraction from the real problems, it doesn't solve anything.  Again, if you want to have a successful relationship you need to talk to the other person and if you can't talk to them, chances are you probably shouldn't be with them anyway.

Cheating in a relationship is a game ender for a lot of people, but it can be overcome, it just takes a LOT of work to rebuild trust.  But trust all begins with what?  Communication.  And not yelling and screaming til someone faints, I mean talking and listening.  And without judging or accusing the other person either!  Talking can solve a lot of problems and you may even find the root cause of the problems in your relationship or at least discover that you are totally wrong for one another before any major commitments can be made.

But the dude in this blog is just a whiny bitch.  Dude, it's called "sack up", for real!  No one can "blackmail" or "strong arm" anyone into marrying them.  Homey, you did these things of your own accord and if it was against your better judgement then you should have been the one to put the breaks on stead of whining about it or blaming the institution of marriage or blaming the woman/ women.  And then has the gull to say his ex is "pimping" their children out for child support and whining about alimony.  Again, SACK UP!  Dude should have been a better judge of character before marrying, because some mistakes (literally) cost more than others.

I'm getting married next year, and grant it, three years ago I was hot to trot to marry Jose, but I'm glad I didn't because I needed to know exactly how high my Bull Shit Tolerance Meter went and apparently it goes pretty damn high.  Having to deal with a psychotic ex-wife, children who are emotionally underdeveloped on top of being overindulged, rarely disciplined, and spoiled completely rotten, and then add to that, Jose's inability to deal with issues properly.  It's a wonder I didn't skip town years ago.  But I've dealt and am still dealing with a lot, grant it I give as good as I get, but really, I'm not so bad considering the fu-schnickens that goes on in here.  All that aside, before you make a commitment to someone, you need to understand them as well as yourself, because if not, you'll end up just like dude in the blog.  Whining and crying about how it's everyone's fault but his that his relationships have gone in the gutter.

Dude, seriously, sack up!

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