aachannoichi (aachannoichi) wrote,

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An Open Letter to my HOA

I'd like to begin this entry with a quote by the funny Jenna Marbles, "The HOA is full of people with fucking butt plugs that they had in their mouth, and are now in their butt, and then they took them out of their butt and put them back in their mouth!"  With that quote I now feel free to write my open letter to these cockbites!

Oh and if you have an aversion to fowl language, you may not want to read this, because as you see, it's going to get pretty crass really quickly.

Dear Dead Choke Reserve Homeowner's Association,

I don't know if you realize, but my fiancee pays you, fucking MONTHLY, for your otherwise shitty services.  You have NOTHING in terms of quality for a so-called "gated community".  People still sneak in behind other people, even with your ONE high speed arms you call yourself having at the Imperial Oak entrance.  I had someone sneak in behind me Thursday, so what the fuck did putting those quick moving arms accomplish?  Jack shit that's what!  Plus, more often than not, the arms are broken so really, what the fuck do you call yourselves doing.  And while I'm on the gate situation, you still have those old slow shitty arms at the main and back entrances, so like seriously?!

As for your other shitty services you offer, please.  Really the only thing good you have going for you is the pool.  Your "playground" even despite your lame ass efforts to expand it is still shitty.  That sorry ass put-put course is a joke.  Your gym looks like something out of a nightmare.  I swear every time I walk past there I feel like I need a shower and possibly a delousing (and maybe some crab shampoo too), it's so dingy and rank smelling.  For about three or four months the front lawn out in front of the clubhouse was dead as a your money grubbing souls!

Yet, you have the motherfucking audacity to put these bull shit notices about our cars on our cars!  We have a two car garage, with the garage itself currently being occupied by a vehicle.  We can park in the street, OH NO!  So we park our three cars with two behind each other and one free.  But, "You're blocking the sidewalk?"  You know what, eat a clappy dick!  You bastards don't pay a fucking bill here and unless you intend to either A) start paying some or ALL of the bills around here or B) build us a three car garage, I suggest you shut the fuck up!

I could see if the three cars in question were old shitty junker cars, but they're all 2014's.  And I've seen other people with the same situation go on, so seriously, shut the fuck up!  Let me see someone sticking one of those notices on a car...  It's going to be a very unpleasant experience for them.

Then as a grand cake topper to a situation that already has me wanting to choke multiple people, I went to go get information about renting the clubhouse for a Lolita meetup or two.  These motherfuckers want a fucking $500 dollar deposit and $200 dollars per-day.  What the shit?!  Who the fuck do you honestly think you are?!  You must think you're like the Ritz Carlton or fucking the Four Seasons.  I don't know who lied to you and said that they surely must have slipped y'all something to induce delusions of grandeur!

I could see paying that if you had a country club or were by a lake or had some kind of lovely view or whatever, but no!  Y'all motherfucker don't got shit to show for anything.  And if you think I'm being unreasonable, I looked at a few of the other subdivision communities around here and Meadow Pointe, for their Meadow Pointe III clubhouse, it costs residents $30 dollars.  I've been to their clubhouse, it has all the same shit that this one has, so what the shit?!

You know, before we moved here I had my reservations but I thought I could handle it.  Jose even warned me, but again, I thought it was going to be ok.  Turns out the level of fuckery is just intolerable.  FUCK YOU HOA!  The goal will be to get the ball rolling on my financial affairs, because the sooner we leave this shit hole subdivision the better.   And I vow NEVER to live in another piece of shit subdivision EVER again.  I'll just invest in land and build a house and never have to pay another dumbass HOA fee to these herpes having douche nozzles again.

Tags: are you f-ing serious?!, come on now?!, fail, florida living, frustration, really?!

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