aachannoichi (aachannoichi) wrote,

Oh an important addendum to my previous entry...

I can't believe I forgot the two MOST IMPORTANT parts of all of that...  Consent! And the idea that BDSM is abuse.

Let's start with consent first.  Within sexuality lately there has been a lot of talk about consent.  Checking in with your partner to see if they are ok with what is about to happen.  Asking if they like what you are doing to them.  Asking if they are ok to do extra things.  All of that stuff is a part of consent.  Again not to get to TMI-y, but I was telling someone recently the story of my first sexual experience and when I thought about, the guy I was with asked me 3 separate times if this was what I wanted and if I was ok.  He even asked right before actual physical intercourse began.  I know you don't want to hear this about the so-called Deranged Fangirl, but I'm telling you this, because consent is very important.  Checking in to see if your partner is up for and even into what's going on helps everyone feel safer.  Frankly it is the difference between a good first sexual experience and a traumatic one.  Upon remembering that, it made me feel good about that time.  Not that I felt bad about it, but it made that story a lot nicer in hindsight.  Why it's nicer is because, with him asking me right before penetration, it implied that if I said I wasn't comfortable or ready, he was willing to stop, which is EXTREMELY important.

The same thing has to be done in BDSM too.  You can't just slide someone a written contract and expect them to agree to what the hell ever is on there.  You have to talk to the person, learn about what they are and are not comfortable with and you have to both mutually agree on boundaries.  And this brings me to sunny point number 2, BDSM is abuse or somehow abusive.

Ok, everyone has hard and fast limits of things they just plain old won't do.  Under no circumstances is this, this, this, and this allowed.  EVER!  And I'll go out on a limb and tell you my four hard limits, bearing in mind that I have had requests for each one of these at some point or another.  No animals, children, needles/ bloodletting, or bodily fluids!  Anyone that I was involved with either in my vanilla life or my kink life knew that those were my hard limits and I could never be coaxed into any of that stuff!  And they would all agree.  The people who asked me for these things pretty much knew to take a powder.

In BDSM they have something call Safe, Sane, Consensual, and it goes like this (as copied directly from Submissive Guide.com):

  • safe: attempts should be made to identify and prevent risks to health

  • sane: activities should be undertaken in a sane and sensible frame of mind

  • consensual: all activities should involve the full consent of all parties involved, but note that legal consent may not create a defense to criminal liability for any injuries caused and that, for these purposes, non-physical injuries are included in the definition of grievous bodily harm in English law.

Got it?!  This means that all parties involved have to have a deep discussion about health risks and what is wanted and accepted between the two parties.  Everyone MUST be on the same page and if everyone is, than I don't understand what's abusive about it?  An agreement between two (or more in some cases) adults is the very antithesis of abuse.  With an abusive relationship one person has ALL the power and control, while the other person is completely subjugated and/ or marginalized.  In a safe, sane, consensual play space, "safe words" are used, to insure that people don't overstep the other person’s limits.  Sane means that drugs and alcohol are NEVER involved, because you can't be sane if you're drunk off your ass or high as a kite.  If you go to a BDSM party, you will never find drugs or alcohol (I've been to enough to know that's true).

In any case, I'm not going to go see this mess, but I feel it needed to be stated.  Here are some of the best links I saw about the truth of 50 Shades:

50 Shades Chapter by Chapter Analysis (Best breakdown EVER!!!)

6 BDSM Myths Perpetuated by 50 Shades (Thank you!)

So know before you go and do what I love to do when I go to the movies.  Complain and poke holes in everything!

Edit- And let the record show that this movie/ book incenses me as a proud member of the BDSM community and as a fanfiction author!  Even if it is just glorified Twilight fanfiction.
Tags: are you f-ing serious?!, bwuh, come on now?!, fail, really?!, what?!

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