aachannoichi (aachannoichi) wrote,

I think I may have an actual problem...

Where to begin...?  Let's start with my last LJ entry.  I did end up telling the woman how I felt, but it was just rebutted with stuff that was just plain irrelevant and just as I was going to try to wade through the driving sea of irrelevance, that was when the guy in Missouri was killed.  I actually watched the entire Facebook video of what happened and it shook me up terribly, then what followed sent me into a serious depression, which only got worse as I saw what always happens after things like this, the justifications, the weird rationalizations, the endless back and forth of X group should be grateful to have whatever, or X group of people put their lives on the lines everyday...  Even thinking about makes me terribly upset.

My own personal stance is what many have been trying to say, but are rarely heard.  That you can be for equal treatment of people and be for law enforcement, without having the choose a side.  Why must a side be chosen?  Grrrr...

I still can't really cope with all this back and forth.  Every time I think about it, it makes me cry and I never thought something like this would so deeply hurt/ effect me.  Even now I'm crying...  I hate social injustice and even more I hate feeling powerless to do anything about it.

Regardless of the endless back and forth I have actually become agoraphobic.  I have things that I need to do, but the idea of driving alone in my car fills me with terror now.  I have been needing to go out and run errands for a few days now, but I can't bring myself to go out without someone going with me, preferably Jose.  Saturday I have a music lesson and I'm fairly confident I can make it to my lesson, but if I had to go farther than LOP, the thought is really quite literally sending cold chills up my spine and making my stomach hurt.

I know, I know, logically I shouldn't be like this.  In the 3 years that I've had my driver's license, I've only been stopped once and the encounter wasn't bad, but it's the fear of the unknown I have.  The idea that if something awful did happen to me, everyone (i.e. the media) would go out of their way to justify why I deserved what happened to me.  "Oh she was into video games, so she's a bad person".  Or "She liked strange things, so she's a bad person". "Or have you seen her X Social Media page?  Oh she was a really terrible person".  Or God forbid they found this (or my old Mydiary.org page) and started nosing through the few open entries I have...  I am very afraid of "what if" and the unknown and it's not good.

I looked at the Mayo Clinic page on Agoraphobia and pretty much I have many of the symptoms which isn't good at all.  I don't know what to do honestly?  I know I should probably see a doctor about this, but...  I am really against endlessly taking medicine.  I have to figure out something though, because this is not good or normal.
Tags: depressed, frustration

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