aachannoichi (aachannoichi) wrote,

I hate nightmares...

I'm sure no one likes having a nightmare, really. Although there probably is some screwball out there who loves having nightmares and wakes up refreshed after having one, but that's not me. Especially considering my nightmares are freakish.

So this particular bad dream was a zombie one. For those of you who really know me, know that I love horror games, but for all my affection for the genre, zombies freak me out something terrible. As a matter of fact, those are usually the most frightening kind of nightmares and at the end (or the point when I wake up in a panic) usually happens when I die in the dream. This nightmare was no exception to that rule either.
The only interesting twist about this bad dream was I was the zombie this time; well, sorta, but let me explain.

I don't remember the beginning of the dream, just towards the end. It took place in a post-apocalyptic world. Most (if not all) people on the surface of the earth were zombies. We ate animals, animals that were seriously deformed, but they were animals, we didn't eat people. The earth was extremely polluted but being undead we could survive the pollution and pretty much we were happy.

However, we find out that the "real" humans lived underground in massive underground cities and were using the zombie people as food. It turns out that the surface people weren't undead zombies, but cattle for the underground humans and the "zombie people" were either genetically manipulated or some kind of way made to believe we were undead monsters so we would be accepting of our fate to be used as cattle. There was also something about our ability to argue or fight was removed so we would just passively accept being food. At the very end I was next to be eaten by the underground humans and true to form, I just accepted being eaten alive. Mercifully, I wasn't eaten alive but put in a machine and everything went dark before I was eaten and that was when I woke up.

What an appalling dream! An appalling dream that I want to try to break down.

I know zombie dreams occur when I'm at the height of anxious and stressed out. They usually are tied to some nonsense happening at work, but since I'm not working that automatically rules that out.
They can happen when my home life is sketchy too. Jose has been gone for almost a week (which included the weekend); he comes back tomorrow night. School ends Friday and that always brings a certain amount of stress because William will be spending his summer loafing around the house doing absolutely nothing but eating and that drives me crazy. I swear I wish he show just a drop of ambition. His proclivity towards indolence really pisses me off.

Another thing that probably set this nightmare in motion is I may be nervous about going to the opera institute next month. I don't know what to expect and it could be screwing with my head. Tgen to add to all of this, the music program I want to attend next year (the one in Austria) is intensive as hell. I read the calendar of events for that program and it is 6 weeks of singing daily, weekly recitals, performances almost every day, attending classes, and being not just evaluated, but scrutinized intensely... And all while being far away from home.

I would be lying to myself if I said all if that sounds fun. But I worry about it, I worry about it a lot (as evidenced by that horrible nightmare). I know I would probably be fine, but I have become a lot more anxious and fretful since moving to Florida. The old me would never be this wound up several months before I even made an initial inquiry about it! Besides, there is no guarantee they'll ever accept me into the program, I still have to audition. Then figure out where I'm going to get roughly $9000 dollars from... Oh God, talk about putting the cart before the horse. I need to slow my roll and get through this summer before ratcheting up my anxiety to 1000 about next summer.

But I think this is where this nightmare sprung from and my fears and anxieties coming home to roost. There was a lot to unpack in that dream and some of it too seemed like anxiety about forced conformity and maybe being too passive about easily accepting poor treatment, either with myself or others. I don't know. Either way you slice it that dream really sucked and I needed a good night's sleep, but thanks to that shitty nightmare that didn't happen.
Tags: are you f-ing serious?!, come on now?!, creepy stuff, frustration, get wit me, insomnia, scary stuff

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